my life is insanely fun sometimes.

when i

-ignore all my stressful thoughts and enjoy the insane ramblings ricocheting around inside my head

-bother others with attention deficeit detailed mannerisms

-stare at everyone i see like their heads are cancerous growths bearing no function

-listen to ridiculous music that makes absolutely no sense to anyone

-make stupid faces at everyone

-...skateboard?

-.... .. ... ........what?

been doing a lot of reading, thinking, and observing this week.

im reading the book "Straight Edge" by Ross Haenfler, and its really redefined a lot of things for me in relation to my life. ive realized that despite the fact ive "sold out" straight edge, drank a small amount and alienated myself from a number of my friends and former band mates, i still have no desire to adhere to any other lifestyle choice than the one i previously claimed for myself.

i know "you can only be straight edge once," and thats fine. i have nothing but respect for straight edge, but it is just that. a label for a lifestyle you choose to lead. a lifestyle i will also lead, but out of respect for those who feel so strongly about the lifestyle, i will not reclaim the title myslef, but i will go on with my life in much the same way i did before i left "the movement."

ive realized just because i dropped the label, ive felt no disdain for sXe in general, merely for the silly attitudes and macho posturing of much of the negative half of the scene. im not pointing fingers or namin names, because at one time or another we are all guilty of acting this way in some form towards someone, and my slate since the day i claimed edge is very very far from clean.

but id like to think that all ive done is only in the name of progression. not only did sXe help me progress through my life and take part in all the things ive wanted to do, but "selling out" also helped me appreciate something which i think many involved in "the movement" take for granted. the diversity of people out there, and the fact that you are able to have this "movement" the fact that you have the choice to take part in this. i feel like to many people adopt the sXe label in an effort to be cool, or because they truly believe in it for a time, but then latch onto it only to remain in good standing with friends, or because they set up this insane set of rules, that have no root in anything substantial, and use them to govern their interactions with people who may otherwise be drawn to also living a clean, sober lifestyle, or people who need their help.

im sure some people may argue things i think or say, and thats fine. isnt straight edge and individual choice anyways? who wrote the rules? wheres the contract? shouldnt the boundaries of friendship accel above all these imaginary lines of relational demarkation?

went to the at the gates show the other night at house of blues here in chi with dan.

showed up right in time for toxic holocaust. nothing but non stop speed for 20 straight minutes. it was awesome.
Municipal Waste played right after. they were awesome despite the guitars being too quiet, at least from where i was at. dan said it sounded good. i might just be losing my hearing. i felt like the guitars were too quiet for at the gates too. at the gates played for at least a solid 45 minutes and everything ruled. ended with an encore and played a 10 minute version of kingdom gone. rad.

still not very impressed with darkest hour.

saw dudes from mke. hung out with tj and johnny and dan for most of at the gates set. saw ben surfing peolpes heads and stoking out. saw dustin brandon jake and taylor. taylor still wont acknowledge the fact i exist. whatever. all in all it was a rad time.

upon further inspection i actually really like the newest bad brains record, build a nation. kind of want to buy the 7" boxed set when it comes out on megaforce. we'll see. im broke.

wanna go skate but its 100 degrees outside and muggy as shit, plus it looks like rain. guess ill just jam on some home work. rad.

people call me and come skate! you have my fucking phone number! andy, tj im looking in your direction!

getting ready for school today.

two big projects due this week.

a website redesign and a magazine cover.

haven't seen or heard from matt in a few days

he's supposed to leave tomorrow. i hope hes doing ok.

bought a new deck the other day at uprise.

got a new zig zagger. black with neon colored paisly.

something fun for summer.

need to take some time off to go to fort wayne and maybe check out the elmhurst park with dan and the boys.

i need a break

hoping i dont have school friday so i can go see my folks.

time for school fools.

my life is falling apart...i feel like a piece of shit.

haven't enjoyed being around myself for days.its funny how we wait around waiting for something to magically happen to make us happy, knowing full well it will not come.

im not saying im not happy. overall, my life is spectacular. school is good, work is going well, i have a beautiful fiance...but i am still depresssed at the way people choose to treat each other. myself included.

i am a bad person and im pretty sure, i have no choice. according to the bible, we are born with sin in our hearts and will surely die and spend eternity in hell, except for Christ's love, as He died for us. all of us, whether you want to accept it or not. but still we hold each other to impossible standards, and expect one another to be perfect. its amazing. and when people dont act accordingly, we decide it is time for us to act less than perfect. its a perfect catch 22 i suppose.

im a bad person. im angry all day. i speak to my wife in a poor tone of voice too much of the time. i forget everything. i feel like crying rather than rejoicing. i have very few friends, and even fewer around to spend time with. my old way of life is gone, but strikingly i feel as if i am the same unhappy person sometimes, as if im trying and striving towards nothing, for no reason at all.

but who knows and who's to say? you? me? them? us? does it matter? or are we all just waiting here, waiting to die? i dont know anymore and for some reason it seems a tad to tiring to figure it all out most days. id much rather just say fuck it and try and make it through the day.

maybe its time to throw away my expectations of others and concentrate solely on my expectations of myself. and let everyone else figure it out themselves. i would love to be some light in the dark to some lost child, help him grow up and see the world in a new way, a positive way, but them i look around at the world, and all the people in it, and remember thats rather impossible. the way we are prevents that from happening.

some days i just dont know what goes on in my head. or anyone elses for that matter. time to go to work.

up early for school. the house is dark except for the lamp in the kitchen. my wife is a sleep. my roommate is leaving. and im drinking coffee alone...


went to milwaukee this weekend to see the rents. spent saturday shopping with my mom, got lunch at panera. went skating at cream city with dan. still easily my favorite park in milwaukee right now. it was busy as sin though. went to mancinos and got pizza with mom, pop, and dan after. goodtimes. it always makes me sad to leave, but i DO like it here, and i like being in school again. im doing well this time, and it feels good.


i get to take a drug test tomorrow for a job at shedd aquarium. hopefully i start work at starbucks this week. my throat hurts, which means im still kinda sick. time to fill my thermos and get moving. have a good day everyone.

...with some ridiculous sickness. i could barely fucking stand yesterday. getting tattooed while already feeling a tad inder the weather probably pushed me over the edge. and my wife is at wok all day. blah. im onna go lay in bed and watch bad movies and drink oj till i puke. yay...

this morning i woke up 45 minutes late, to the sound of freezing rain bouncing off my windows, and then proceeded to make a pot of coffee and wave goodbye to it, as i had no time to pour myself a cup and enjoy it. suck.

upon exiting the house i jammed doomriders on my walk to the train, and tried to remember what it was like to ride my skateboard through chicago when the weather was good. got to school with time enough to email my folks, as my phone was located in a puddle of slush earlier this week. blah. still no time for coffee. my head hurts and i feel sick. caffiene addiction? yeah, maybe...no dues today.

so now i get to enter the exciting world of microsoft word 2k7. rad.




yesterday me and krista exchanged anniversary presents. i got a sweet t shirt, a pint glass, and a 35mm point-&-shoot with a built in fish eye lens from japan. its awesome. love it. last night i bought some pints, some wine and some food. and we met stephanies new interest shawn...sean...shean. one of them is probably his name. hes down.

and now i remembered i left my lunch at home. man, can i catch a break today?

maybe?

today has been ass backwards and im feeling like next week needs to come so i can attend my job interviews and hammer that shit into a lucrative position so i can pay rent while im here in chicago attending school.

i watched the movie grind today. horrible film. good for a laugh. and an essential skateboard movie in my collection of full length films based on skateboards. nonetheless. fucking horrible movie. bad acting, worse skating.

now im drinking coffee and watching the creature video, contemplating some sort of art culmination to take place while i am montering the laundry and wishing i could just go outside and skate. too bad its negative twenty degrees and snowy. im not down with that jazz.

if you haven't been around or heard through the grapevine, im getting married this december. im excited. plans are in the works. we will have a small family and very close friends only ceremony in krista's hometown in florida, and most likely will have a raging, off the chain party when we get home for all those i feel terrible not inviting to florida.

save the dates will be going out shortly for those who will be invited. the party will be announced later.

i've also moved my residence to the north side of chicago for the time being and continue to pursue my graphic design degree, with hopes of one day being payed a comfortable wage doing something involved with art, possibly skateboards, and a few kids. fun times.

many friends have requested i no longer call them that, and i have become increasingly hard to get a hold of, and have also become a hermit of sorts, due to the ridiculousness of the weather these days. and the increasing feeling that i need to stop wasting away and DO something with my time. go me.

well hell-o to everyone i haven't seen in a while. i hope all is well with you all. maybe you'll hear from me again soon. much love.

im an idiot. hah.

long time no see guys, whats been up?

You Are 23 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

i am 23. good thing i the right age at heart now.

HEY RETARDS!


life aint so bad...




















...lighten the fuck up.

i wish i had a blender so i could make sweet smoothies all the time.


my newest recipe is

lo-carb monster
canteloupe
apples
mango
plain yogurt
spinach
buckwheat noodles
limes w/ rind
carrot
honey
orange juice

and some ice just for flavor

delicious.

fuckin blenders are sweet.

FIRSTS
First best friend: matt gengler
First screen name: christpunk88...dont ask
First self purchased CD: sepultura-beneath the remains
First pets: sunny a yellow lab, nikita a siberian husky, and jack and kalhua some cats
First piercing/tattoo: left ear
LASTS
Last cigarette: probly close to 6 years ago
Last car ride: i drove home from my grandmas today
Last cry: thats for pussies
Last library book checked out: fuck the library
Last crush: your mother
Last phone call: dustin
Last time showered: this morning
Last shoes worn: vans slip ons
Last song played: jfa
Last annoyance: me being sick, but whatever
Last shirt worn: my jolly good shirt
Last website visited: this lame ass shit
Last word/s you said: "ok"
Last song you sang: probly some jfa song
What color of underwear are you wearing? i dunno, boxers with some sort of stripes
What's under your bed?: carpeting
What time did you wake up today?: probly like 9

FUTURE
Where do you want to go? for school? someplace that didnt suck balls
What is your career going to be? gay
Where are you going to live? somewhere
How many kids do you want? maybe 1 eventually
What kind of car(s): the kind that run
CURRENT
Current mood: sick but alright
Current music: i dunno, i should put some on
Current taste: phlegm
Current hair: dirty and long
Current clothes: jeans and a jolly good shirt
Current annoyance(s): i told you that bitches
Current book: 50 things youre not supposed to know #2, independent-built to grind
(x) - you've done
(_) - you haven't done
(x) been drunk
(_) been high
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) been to Japan
(_) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) been in a fist fight
(_) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) ever dated someone of the opposite sex
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) been arrested
(_) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(_) gone on a blind date
(x)had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(x) cut myself on purpose
(_) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children
(_) seen someone die
(_) been to Africa
(x) Punched a friend when playing around
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a concert HAHHAHAHAH
( ) been in an abusive relationship.
( ) got someone pregnant
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
(x) taken painkillers. .. but for good reason!
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

Take the quiz: "What Hardcore band are you? (revised)"

Refused
You are Refused. You hate capitalism. You want to revolt against the bourgeoisie every chance you get. You also are Swedish. You also shouldnt have broken up.


fuckin a right man.

be sorted @ nimbo.net